What's Next?

Breast Cancer, GBS (Guillian Barre' Syndrome), DIG (Desmoplastic Infantile Ganglioglioma), illnesses that afflicted my family one after the other. I am fully aware that death is next, but hey, is there anything to learn and be excited about these diseases? Not about the diseases but the goodness of the Lord and the provision of God as my family and I went through this life's episode.

My Life's Episodes

help me nibble on my family's situation...saturday last week, my son had seizure that prompted my wife to take him to a hospital in Baguio. after 6 days in the hospital, we were referred to 2 different hospitals in manila. we arrived in manila heading straight to the first hospital. we were referred immediately to meet up with the 2 professionals touched by God to help us. Monday this week, my daughter had 38-39 fever and came well after about 24 hours. the next day, she was fine and so we went to the grocery store. The next day (wednesday) she can no longer carry her weight. very weak. now in an ICU at the UST Hospital. Everything was fine until...

Today October 21, 2010, I received two major information about my Kids health. First - I now have the MRI results for my youngest child Lorduill Feraiden IV. He got Desmoplastic Infantile Ganglioglioma (DIG). This sounds Latin to me, we are still to hear it from the Pediatric Neurologist and the Neuro-Surgeon in the coming days about this so let's stay put. Second - The specialists confirmed that it is GBS - Guillain-Barré Syndrome for my daughter. She will have to stay in the ICU for the rest of the medication. My wife and I expressed our incapacity to pay for the medication and hospitalization of our child. Through God's provision a work around was presented to us by one of the specialists. We moved to the charity (clinical division) ward of the hospital and lo, all charges dropped moving forward. Our worry that we max out the medical insurance in 3 days is no longer an issue. currently we have 80,000 pesos left for her stay in the ICU. Medication will depend totally on the reaction of the immune system. We are in need of 25,000 daily for the medication. a day has passed with God's provision. Our Prayer "Lord please provide financial support so we could get the medication for Brienne for the day," and he did! at the strike of 00 hour, someone called and provided for today's medication (Oct 22, 2010). at the end of today, I know that God will provide for the next administration of the medicine. Should I wait for that day or start working now? I've started already. Whoever is reading this note, if it is your desire to help financially, please don't hesitate to do so. My daughter is in dire need. As calculated by the attending physicians, we are to provide 125,000 pesos for 5 days of medication. 50 thousand has already been covered. We are still in need of 75,000 pesos. Any Takers? you can bring your donations to the Pediatrics ICU of the University of Sto. Tomas Hospital in Manila

Happiness...Where are you?

I've asked some of my friends if they are happy, many answered with the resounding YES. Then I asked, how do you gauge your happiness? Many of them said, "I can feel it" and some said "I just do what I do without boundaries" and "just being me" said the rest.

My next question to my friends was how do you define happiness? and the answer given by the majority was "can I relate it to my experiences?" and the rest just said "the burden is gone away" plainly.

I was contemplating with their answers and tried relating it to my own signature of happiness and what i found out is that happiness can be defined only by the person experiencing it and not by the translations an audience can give. It is something that is felt and experienced only by the individual.

We can definitely see a smile on a person's face, brightness in their eyes, jolly in their speech and charismatic in their personality and we most of the time define these to be happiness, but is not always true, we don't see the burden that they carry, we are blinded with what we see.

Then I asked myself; How many of the people around me have I disregarded? I didn't pay attention to what their messages were, i wasn't there for them, I laughed with them alright, but did I listen to their hearts and have known their wants? How about their needs at that time?

Then, I sighed..."How unfriendly of me" i uttered. The uncaring heart that I have just means that I am missing a lot to make a difference, losing the opportunity to be happy and make people happy. I need to satisfy my needs and be fulfilled, that is the first step, my next is to influence the people around.

Who is there to help?

WHAT IF?

I am not making the step...will somebody make that step for me?
I am not doing my job today...will someone do it for me?
I want to fart...Why would somebody stop me?

All of it - the incessant work, that inky mood, those destabilizing thoughts - had done nothing but drain me: spiritualy, emotionally, intellectually, and physically. Drained is certainly the operative word, and it was a surprising sensation because, like most young adults, i assumed that energy and vitality were boundless and inexhaustible. I'm embarrassed to admit that I was unconciously convinced that one could live at this furious pace forever and do it without any serious consequences.

"The body is strong but the spirit is weak"

I am into tumultuous situation that started recently, not knowing what to do, when to do it, what to say, why am i saying it..."I am out focus" i told my self. "But how could i get my thoughts realign to my goals?" i asked again. I searched for answers, i didn't find any, i buried myself with the tasks that i have at work, but i did not find the answer, it's beginning to sink in to me that I am actually alone.

Alone in my world. A very lonely man, unable to express his real thoughts to the world, carrying a burden that he could not pass to anyone but himself, overwhelmed by the pressure passed on his knees, about to give in, but pressing on to survive hoping that it would be over very soon.

What if not? I asked myself again, so face the reality that you are weak and just go your way drop the load on the way leaving everything behind, I answered back! You are really a weakling and unable to make a stand, I told myself. my eye jewels dropped that sparkled in surrounding lights of red and green...broken dreams...unsatisfied wants...short handedness...

I want to really say goodbye to all of these, but how? NO!, i told my self, not that way, I will survive! I will persevere! I will realign my focus and act on it! I will!!

HOW? WHEN? I will!!!

While writing this, i received a text message from I do not know who saying "Malapit na ang pasko...masaya ka ba? did you say sorry na sa mga taong di mo sinasadyang masaktan? did you say "thank you na sa mga taong nagpapahalaga sa'yo? well, do this, habang maaga pa. You'll have a wonderful new year. i'll start.. Sorry sa mga kakulitan ko, masamang nagawa ko at kung nasaktan kita that's my way of showing my care for you. thank you for accepting who really i am.. i hope you'll give your forgiveness for my peace of mind.. "then i realized, Hey!!

This must be it!

When He Became My Father

My Father, an inverterate teacher, had taught me almost everything there was to know about how to lead. Words had come easily to me from the earliest days. so had social skills. I knew how to engage with people, think quickly on my feet, see issues and problems from the biggest possible perspective. By nature I was an idea man, a visionary of sorts, and i possessed an ability to persuade people to follow. Natural gift or talent. But here was the kicker - it became alarmingly clear to me that it might not always be this way. Rather, i began to intuit that there would be a change in the days to come.

"I have patterned my way of bringing up my kids from your father, he is a well rounded man, putting his family first in everything, not allowing any problems hinder achievement of his goals. He tells me always to know my goals and go for it, any circumstances that may stop me from reaching my goal is a different problem, Don't mix them up"



Well, nice one...This is not the first time that someone talk of my father this way, when they do, i hear them pause, recalling the days they've spent with my father...reminisce is the right term...then it's my time to talk.



When I think of my father, I remember him as an angry, strict, manipulator of circumstances, loving, family man.

why is the gap? i always ask myself...i maybe bitter about my past, but does he play a part of it? I dont know...maybe...still i don't know.

going back a few steps, i remember hiding in the CR of the stablishment where I used to work releasing the bitterness i have...bitter of not having my father beside me when i needed him most, why did he die so early? has always been the question...tears would flow...then take a deep breath, tension is gone...back to work